Hope in a jar.

I bought some hope in a jar this week. It is a small jar of cream moisturizer made by a company called philosophy.com. The front of the vial states, “Where there is hope there can be faith; where there is faith miracles can occur.” I wish it were really that easy to have hope. Some days it can be very elusive and other days it is just there. I hope for a cure, for a day without nausea, for energy to get up and do things, for the ability to travel and see family and friends. There are days when I hope for my old life back, when I was the one taking care of others rather than having others taking care of me. There is much to hope for in life and I am always ready to welcome a miracle. A couple of weeks ago it was a miracle to keep a meal down, but I did it and my counts came up enough to have chemotherapy the following week. That was my miracle for the week. I ended up taking a vacation from chemo that week, but that too was just what I needed. This week the side effects are not as bad after having that extra week off treatment.
This week I am starting to get excited about the trip to see Gabby sing. She is in rehearsal so late that we do not get as much time to talk on the phone. We used to talk every day and she would get upset if we missed a day. Now she is so busy, it is hard to coordinate breaks in rehearsal with the three-hour time difference between California and Maryland. I was on the phone today ordering an electric wheelchair, reserving the oxygen concentrator, getting travel insurance and trying to square things away with my insurance companies. I am in the middle of converting my benefits at work through COBRA. Each thing is separate and complicated, with different rules and a very short turnaround time. I worry that the clock is ticking and I have only 31 days to make the conversion. I need to complete all of this paperwork before I will feel comfortable and secure in getting my medical needs met and paid for by insurance. I applied for a waiver of premium and the benefits specialist at Stanford tells me that if this is approved, the premiums I have already paid will be refunded to me. That would be fabulous because I could use the money from the health insurance premium to cover the life insurance premium.
The change to daylight savings time this weekend feels different from other years. I am waking up when it is very dark outside and going back to sleep until it is bright sunlight outside. Since I do not sleep through the night, I do not feel rested when I wake up and then keep napping during the day. Josh and Amanda are having trouble adjusting to the change in time also. I was able to go out on Sunday afternoon. I went to Jamba Juice, had my nails done and checked out a new gelato store next to the nail place. Since my trip to Italy last year, I am always looking for good gelato in the US. This is a very small place but the gelato I tasted was good. They ran out of several flavors by late afternoon, when I got there. I am looking forward to sampling some more flavors. A very simple thing, gelato, but one that can bring a great deal of joy as well as bringing back some great memories of a trip I did not think I would be able to make. Now that I think about that trip, I really pushed myself to be able to go. I knew that there would be others in the group who needed to struggle with all the walking and I tried to keep up with them. I wanted to experience everything I could on the trip and I did my best to accomplish that. I suppose whatever I do, there will always be others who are also struggling to keep up. I can use them for inspiration and push on to make my goals. For the short term, that is getting through the next few chemo treatments in good enough shape to make the trip to Baltimore. I can use my jar of hope for inspiration as well. While I have hope, I can push on in faith that I will make the trip and see Gabby perform, visit my mother in NJ and make the oncology nursing meeting .