BAD (?) DREAMS


I am not sure about the title of this post. It is 1:30 AM and I am awake after a strange dream. Josh was out quite late last night trying to get into his last class that he needs to graduate. It was a writing class, which is required by the university. Since he is in California, and the class cannot be done online lest you have someone else do the writing for you, he went to two different universities and I believe three different instructors before getting in during the 3rd week of class. On to the dream. . .

I was talking with a police officer about Josh. We were reminiscing about the time when Josh was kidnapped and missing for several days. We had kept in touch over the years, much as I do with some of my patients and their family members. The police officer, I will call him Alan, was wondering if Josh suffered any harm from the experience. (Remember that this is a dream.) My reaction was to say, “Thank God he was returned home safely.” Then I started to think about all the prayer and support our family was given during that time. I have no more energy for physical volunteering anymore, so I did NOT think of ways to join the missing and exploited children organizations. If I could help, it would have to be through the hospital bed in my family room. This bed is also my Nurses for Obama office, my Oncology Nursing Society office, my St. Francis office and my Change Healthcare in America office. I think you get the idea. If not, my children can help by adding to the list.

Every time Allan asks me a question about that time, such as, “What if he had been harmed physically? Or mentally?” my answer is always the same. “I’m sure Josh suffers damage from that time, but I can’t help being grateful to have him back in my arms again. His family loves him and with time, he can heal and mover past the experience. “ Whenever something “bad” happens to me, my friends, family and boss tell me that I always put a positive spin on it, as if that is a bad thing to do. It is true that “shit happens” but you cannot let it run your life and I have neither more time nor patience for hate or feelings of animosity. I have learned that it only hurts me rather than the person I am spending time and energy hating.

I have had cancer a lot and it is certainly tempting to throw in the towel. Nevertheless, that feeling passes, usually by talking about it with someone who refuses to allow me to give up. Just today, I got a short note from a cousin in Washington DC saying she was looking forward to next year’s Christmas letter. I laughed, but it did give me a boost. I was only released from the hospital last night and I had wimped out during an MRI exam with contrast early that day. That is a test where they put you inside a magnet and you have to lie perfectly still for 40 minutes while they pump contrast material into your brain to check for abnormalities. You are lying flat on your back with a plastic enclosure surrounding you and the sound of the magnet pounding in your head. By 20 minutes, I was literally yelling for Erik, the tech, to get me OUT! Now! It was very embarrassing, and I am glad he did not know that I am a manager at this hospital. The test is still incomplete and my attending for the day told me if they need more information, they would have to repeat the test. I did not tell any of the doctors he/she might have to catch me first.












“WAIT, WAIT!! HERE'S THE CONSENT FOR THE MRI!"

I woke up from my “bad” dream and wanted to hug and kiss Josh. But, he had not even gone to bed yet. It was 1:30 AM and he was still doing school work. So I waited up for him. When he came downstairs, we had a good hug and I told him about my dream.

It is true that I have had three different types of cancer more than four different times. It is also true that many more people have a much harder life than I do. Today a friend from church was here early this morning to do the yard work for me. I know he was here because he picked fruit from the tree and left a bag by the front door. He never comes inside or asks for anything. He just comes every week to help me. What could be better than that? Josh and Amanda are here with me. Josh got into the last class he needed this semester and today Amanda got a job offer. Great news! Next week Gabby comes home to sing in a fundraiser so I will get to see her for a short weekend. Fabulous! Each day there is mail, a phone call, or a blog post that brings me joy in some way. So all I need to do now is learn to outrun my cancer – and any doctor who orders an MRI test.