Happy Valentine’s Weekend!
Is my Prince here yet?
It’s been a weekend of ups and downs. I have been on a yo-yo of nausea and some good times of eating. Friday was a full day at the pulmonologist and then for a bone scan that had Josh and I completely exhausted by the end of the day. We were left with 3 possibilities for causing the shortness of breath and dependence on oxygen. We needed to understand the underlying reason for the supplemental oxygen and whether there was any way to get off of it. Two of the possible causes were due to radiation damage to my lungs and one is caused by the cancer in my lungs. Case #1 is pulmonary hypertension. That is the blood pressure in my lungs is too high and unoxygenated blood is getting into my circulation, Case #2 is caused by a bubble of air (oxygenated blood) circulating on the unoxygenated side of my lungs. This is due to damage to the heart valve. The last Case is caused by the adenocarcinoma to the lung. The recommendation is to start me on a type of drug called ‘statins’ which can show improvement in my breathing in 5 months. At the same time, my social worker is going to help me to get my social security benefits so I do not have to worry about working any more. I am waiting for my Prince to come and help me with the logistics so I can relax and die in peace. Does that make sense? You have to get the work of dying done first, so that it is out of the way.
When I read back over this it sounds a bit depressing. I do not mean for it to sound that way. It is the unfortunate truth that there are forms to fill out and a lot of stress to get through before one can relax and just take care of symptoms. This is where I would like to be. Taking care of symptoms. Josh and Amanda are still in bed and I am up about every hour.
On the TV the story of the woman with 14 babies keeps appearing. I can’t imagine raising 14 children even with so much help from family and the community. I would like my relationship with my partner to come first and then my love for my children would flow from that. I don’t see a partner in this story. It always comes back to relationship. What is my relationship like with someone else? Do I treat them as I would want to be treated? Do I care for them first and foremost?
The house awakes!! It is time to get up at last. I will try to eat today and hope to continue with that. I should get back to normal this week. There is that famous button that says, “Cancer Sucks!” I have to go beyond that and endorse a button that says, “Feeling Sick Sucks!” and we take our health for granted too much of the time.
Just a brief, slightly cranky note today. Please excuse the off day.
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I think the Prince arrived today. It was a very productive day of working on ONS projects for the San Antonio Congress. Gabby's flight arrived about noon and she and Josh went out for all you can eat sushi on the way from the airport. I am still plagued by nausea so stayed here. In a very short time Albert, Bev, Connor arrived with toys (Connor is 18 months old). Connor did some exploring. Albert made me some Adobo chicken and Josh and Gabby went to hang out upstairs. There is some confusion about the benefit concert tomorrow. The bulletin announcement stated dinner was from 6-8 PM followed by the Chant from 8-10. Gabby was told her time was cut to 7:40 until 8 PM which means that those we invited to hear her perform from 8 PM until 9, such as my doctor, my PA, some of the Stanford nurses, will have paid for a ticket but won't get to hear her sing. It is a bit annoying because it could have been very nice. I called Colleen also but she does not know how this confusion arose. We will have to put it in God's hands for now.
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